


Abandon your God for Me

by spadeK



Category: Brat'ya Karamazovy | Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Genre: Alyosha's first time, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Sibling Incest, Some OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:34:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26415736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spadeK/pseuds/spadeK
Summary: Alyosha is leaving for America to visit Mitya. This is the last night he spends with Ivan to persuade him going together. (and he succeeds)
Relationships: Alexei "Alyosha" Fyodorovich Karamazov/Ivan "Vanya" Fyodorovich Karamazov
Kudos: 5





	Abandon your God for Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [revvoen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/revvoen/gifts).



> Here goes my second porn in English <...<
> 
> Credits to revvoen who has been sharing fan art as well as thoughts of this fandom with me XD

Alyosha found Ivan beside the lake, the one they used to jump in unhesitatingly when they were kids. Now it was covered by dead leaves, bottomless blue glinting underneath through the textures.

"Do you think this is the lake where those talents committed suicide in?" Ivan stared at its surface, acquiescing Alyosha to come close. He patted Alyosha's hand on his shoulder and laughed, "Relax, I won't seek death so easily, at least not until I become one of them."

But you already are, Alyosha kept the thought, almost forgetting why look for him. "I would rather you will never be. Before action, hope every suicide would think of God and everyone alive who cares about them."

"Certainly, God's messenger disdains to defend suicides, atheists and murderers. Despite leaving the monastery, you're still unchanged....." Ivan discontinued the sarcasm that would likely trigger a debate, sight back towards the lake. "What brought you here?"

"Mitya sent from America that he settled down and left an address for me. I'm going to visit him in a few days. Grushenka will go, too."

Ivan's expression obviously turned sharp. "Why should it be my concern?"

"Would you go with me?"

Wish you two a pleasant journey, thought Ivan, but he blurted. "Just go together with that bitch."

"Vanya, would you go with me?" Alyosha repeated, not seeming to hear him.

"Damn it, now it's your turn to have me as your bystand guest? You are leaving with her, then do it! Why should it bother me that you all go find Dimitry and torture each other from then on? Go, off you go!” Ivan raged, furiously pushing him away. “The further you go the better. I’m tired of everything, including you!”

“I didn’t say I was leaving together with her. Are you jealous?” Alyosha asked mildly, as if it was one of the most normal questions. 

A tremble hit Ivan’s heart, which calmed him down. He walked to Alyosha, gazing at him with a dismal smile. “Excuse me?”  
“You are self-deceiving, because you’re jealous of…” Alyosha frankly met his gaze, “Of Agrafena Alexandrovna.”

Ivan burst into laughter. Some strength choked on his urge to kiss Alyosha until he fainted. He looked at Alyosha and asked in a cold tone, “What if I refuse?”

“Then farewell, we shall part forever.” Alyosha’s eyes were radiant with another kind of coldness.

“Interesting. I shall let you know how jealousy feels tonight.” Ivan studied him as if he just knew his brother for the first time.

-

Finally, Ivan knocks on Alyosha’s door at dusk. The thoughts between choices--go or stay, see him or see him never--haunt his mind like sunset tangling with dark, making him feel that it is actually himself on the other side of God, not Devil. 

“You were so cruel to me, Alyoshka.” He hates his tone now, like a drenched homeless stroller, but he doesn’t care if it’s Alyosha who hears it. “Do you think I’m able to let you go away from me two thousand miles, like I’m able to let anyone else? Do you think I could allow an ocean between us?”

Alyosha closes the door behind him. “Let us part, Ivan. The more you’re immersed in your contemplation, the more you despise people around you in reality who are incompatible with your ego...just like pursuing a constellation won’t care a single star and yearning for an ocean won’t count every grain of sand. I want to be loved by you consistently. Maybe this is the only way. We will never lose each other as long as we remain unforgettable of each other. My apologies, earlier I shouldn’t have forced an answer from you…”

Ivan chokes on the imaginary of a train rushing through white birches, like howling wind, of the whole Russia rushing through Alyosha’s pure, teary eyes. The barbaric southern pastures of America, the materialistic northern cities, the slums where robbers are rampant, and the gaudy night bars...with God in heart, Alyosha would travel around such places like how he traveled around Russia. In such places Ivan can picture himself frantically chasing for him but only in exchange for words like "Neither God nor I have forgotten you" over and over again, words that he spends his career fighting against, and he could do nothing then but allowing them to defeat him in an instant. Suddenly he despises all the words as well as all the meanings they could or could not convey. Loathing all the karma, he grabs Alyosha’s collar and imposes kisses on his lips. Alyosha slightly parts his own lips, letting him greedily drown on his unobtainable alcohol, madness, or death…Ivan clasps his waist and answers his former query with violent invasion. Months of temptation melts at this moment between their lingering touch. He doesn’t stop until Alyosha becomes short of breath and they bring their foreheads against each other, gasping heavily and staring at each other with frenetic obsession. 

“How could I lose you if you are never mine?” Ivan can’t hold back his resentment, locking Alyosha with one arm propped on the wall. 

“I thought it was Katerina Ivanovna who you…” Alyosha is interrupted by his indifference to the name, realizing that he is touching a risky line, is challenging Ivan’s last sense of rationality. He cannot manage himself, as if there is some power controlling him to speak aloud. “In my heart, I am already yours. I have pledged my allegiance to three men in life--my brother, Elder Zosima, and Jesus. My conscience has been clear until this very minute, when I just realize that it is myself that I should be ashamed of. The primitive Karamazov desire in my body…can this sin really be redeemed by my faith? There are still many deeds I want to achieve, like aiding the Snegilyov family, giving Liza happiness, educating those poor children, holding a funeral for every suffering person who died on the street, and becoming brothers with everyone whom my father had insulted…I want to love you…yes, I do love you! Although we cannot reconcile. But if I can’t face myself with true, how can I achieve all this with true? It’s impossible for me to only love you as a brother, what a sin! I pray that God would…”

“I never want to hear you speak of Him anymore!” Ivan cuts him off viciously, but softly puts a finger on his lips. “What are human beings worthy of your contribution? What does God possibly know about love, and what do you know about me…” Some implicit pain seals him as his eyes drooped and arms weakly slipping down. He is a proud and reserved person, who cannot bear to express himself more at this point. 

Seeing him like this stabs Alyosha’s heart. He caresses Ivan’s hair, fingertips slipping over his cheek and moving down to rest on his accelerating pulse. Taking a look at him, Ivan starts to unbutton his shirt but Alyosha stops him: “Leave it to me.” His voice is as bashful as his motion, like a night adventurer pulling his way out of leaves. As his skin is gradually exposed in the air, Ivan shudders—Alyosha lives too frugally to even fire the furnace in early winter. He can’t wait to be completely stripped to take Alyosha in his arms and kiss him along his neck, simultaneously stripping him naked and caressing his nipples. Alyosha’s inexperienced body quickly becomes warm, the parts beneath the kisses turn to precocious cherry pink. Ivan lowers his head to gently bite the collarbone, but his lips touch something cold. A cross necklace. Abruptly he ceases, and then tears it off gruffly, sucking hard to leave a mark on the original spot. Alyosha only feels his rare childishness because he had abandoned the formal God since that kiss, or perhaps he had never accepted it. 

Ivan ignores his own erection, focusing on exploring every inch of Alyosha’s skin. Alyosha draws closer, brushing his pubic hair with fingertips, warping his length in the palm and tentatively giving it a tender stroke, which sends a shiver over Ivan. He is inexplicably embarrassed and wants to move Alyosha’s hand away, but he becomes irresistible when Alyosha takes him onto bed. It’s clear that his little brother has grown into a robust young man, while he has become so skinny from the torments of his skepticism and illness, which even makes Alyosha worry that he would crush his ribs. Their lovemaking resembles a rainstorm, just like everything between them. Alyosha plants kisses on his chest, the itch brought by his brown hair feels like under skin, reminding him of his suppressed aspiration—homosexuality, incest, premarital intercourse…Ivan doesn’t mind its charges since he has never been qualified to speak the word “God” anyway. Despite this, he still turns his sight away because of guilt, biting Alyosha’s finger rested on his cheek to release the soreness of all this time fighting over him. 

“Vanechka, you have tortured yourself so much these years.” Alyosha gazes at him, tears blinking in his eyes.

Ivan responds with a pale smile, wiping away his tears. “Take me, Alyoshka. Let us have each other.” He grabs Alyosha’s hand from seeking lube, leaving a soft kiss on his wrist and looking at him almost demandingly. Alyosha knows how he means, but because of concerns he still stretches a finger in to spread a bit, and then rises Ivan’s legs to push himself into him. A moan escapes Ivan’s mouth out of pain, which worries Alyosha so much that he’s about to pull out, but Ivan stops him by gripping his butt. Under his expression of extreme longing, Alyosha has to move as gently as possible, trying to spread the tightness inside little by little. To lessen the ache, he lowers down to press his skin against Ivan, tenderly kissing his face, lips, neck, nipples…Ivan’s gritted teeth slowly loosened, and his brows stretched, so Alyosha starts to work him harder, driving intermittent moans from his lips. Ivan pulls him close by the neck, biting his lips and kissing him with all the madness in his soul. 

“You enjoy the ache, don’t you?” The pleasure blurs Alyosha’s voice, moving his hips faster and faster to satisfy Ivan. He understands that Ivan tries to paralyze his spiritual soreness with physical ache. Ivan suddenly arches his back, one hand clenching the sheet, another hand clasping Alyosha’s spine. He’s almost there. 

“Abandon your God for me…I can show you the galaxy…” Before reaching the peak, Ivan whimpers among the waves. A drop of sweat drips from Alyosha’s neck onto his undulating heart. They reach there together at the same time. 

Neither of them rushes to clean up. Alyosha rests upon Ivan’s chest, while Ivan strokes his back. In the darkness, the stars shine coldly. For the first time, they look afar towards the same direction, where crystal blueness flows and a train rushes through.


End file.
